Hassman
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- Jan 17, 2011
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Once upon a time Prince Phillip the prosperous of the Riders Corner castle was made aware of the wicked rumour that malevolent acts of barbarism were being carried out in the faraway lands of Nan and Chiang Rai.
After a conference around a round table -that not in any aspect was reminiscent of the table that King Arthur and his noble knights gathered round- the decision was made to launch a voyage to the two lands to try to rid them if the maladies they were facing, the task was charged to a core group of knights known not as “The knights of the round table” but rather as “The Cleveland steamers”.
The Cleveland steamers were comprised of the following nobles:
Prince Phillip the Prosperous, Sir Lukas the Languorous, Sir Markus with the Iron Fist, Sir Mark the Merciless, Sir Chris the Pure and Sir Hassman the Unutterable
As night fell the day before the journey was to begin, Sir Mark the Merciless sent a messenger with a communication to the effect that he was not able to leave his fiefdom of Mae Rim (as his princess was currently wearing the pants). This left the band of knights not only one man short but it also left Sir Christopher the Innocent without a charger as he was planning to borrow said brute from Sir Mark the Merciless, instead Sir Christopher had to charter a mount from a local stable, an un-nurtured animal of questionable breeding (D-Tracker).
In the morning the troupe set of on the perilous journey on the cart track known among the locals as the 118, after a brisk mornings’ trot the point where the 118 cart track intersects the cattle trail going towards Phayao was reached and the nobles swiftly turned onto the aforementioned trail.
This trail proved to be to the liking of the knights and the steeds were swiftly forced into a gallop, within not very long time at all, or in less than a lot of time -depending on the way in which time is measured by you the reader- the group was just outside the settlement of Phayao and decided to stay a short while for foraging and letting the mounts rest. The decision was made to not enter the city of Phayao as it is a wicked wicked place and it possibly is infected with leprosy.
After foraging they quickly continued towards the fabled place of Nan, the trails we followed were kept in darkness and secret by the local kings, but we had on previous trips to the region discovered them and we were therefore able to again make use of this secret knowledge and thereby gain access.
As they entered Nan, Prince Phillip the Prosperous got put under a curse and his trusty steed ran out of energy, this despite the fact that it was equipped with the largest foraging bag of them all, this made all the other knights chuckle and emit snide remarks to which Prince Phillip took great offence. “On pain of death shall no-one get knowledge of this thwarting episode of lack of energy for my steed” he announced to the collection of knights, much chuckling emanated as a result.
They stopped for nourishments and during this stop a local maiden showed great interest in Markus the Iron Fist’s stallion, under much commotion she was helped into the saddle, beaming with pride for having mounted such an impressive beast, a picture was quickly painted to make the moment last forever in the annals of Nan.
After the stop they continued through the settlement of Nan until they reached the location for their first nights stay, an inn known as Grand Mansion.
At dusk the knights left the inn and ventured out into the city of Nan. Armed with nothing but their wit, their cunning and two bottles of alcoholic content dubbed “the bottles of Chivas” they commenced their search for what or whom it may be that was responsible for the barbarism being prevalent in the region.
At first the knights stopped at a saloon known as “Rak khun” in the local language, this proved to be informative and from this place the battle plans were laid out for the imminent attack on the places of satanic worship that were the root of the evil in the land of Nan, namely Channel X and the Filth.
Before the attacks were to commence the knights imbibed alcohol to a large extent, Sir Christopher the Pure was of the notion that this had no effect on him whatsoever “This vile drink does not in any way effect my behavior, I can feel no stimulation” these were utterances that he would later regret.
As the alcoholic supply was diminished the knight’s spirits soared and triumph was certain! The plans were made concrete and means of transport to the places of satanic worship were secured in the shape of local steeds with riders, at this point Sir Markus the Iron Fist had fallen under a curse and made his intentions known to not join the party readying for battle but to rather live to fight another day, so the group lost yet another of its accomplices and left were only four of the original six knights.
As the area for the battle was reached Sir Hassman the Unutterable was sent to scout out the camp of Channel X and he returned with the message that the enemy was not in presence, the group then decided to attack the Filth with all its mighty force and leave Channel X for another day.
After the battle was won the knights stayed to enjoy the fruits of their victory (rape and pillage) and to laugh scornfully into the faces of their defeated enemies in an alcohol induced stupor.
Many a tale of adventures and amusing escapades by the knights were told to the fair maidens in an effort to amuse and entertain them, after an abundance of hours of doing so Prince Phillip the Prosperous and Sir Hassman the Unutterable decided to withdraw back to the inn to assure its defense should the enemy mount a counter attack. Sir Lukas the Languorous and Sir Christopher the Pure stayed to cover their exit, what commenced at the site of the battle after this split of forces is not known to this narrator of events.
The morning after the battle Sir Lukas the Languorous woke Sir Hassman the Unutterable querying as to the whereabouts of Sir Markus the Iron Fist, lo and behold after examination of the latter’s quarters it was found that Sir Markus the Iron Fist had indeed left the premises and started his return to Chiang Mai, now the troupe was reduced to only four knights for its upcoming attack on Chiang Rai, a perilous position to be in indeed!!
Despite its now weak manpower the troupe started the journey to Chiang Rai, at stops for nourishments and foraging Sir Christopher the Pure complained about lightheadness and infirmity caused by guzzling an in-consummate amount of alcoholic liqueur the night before, mocking remarks were made by the other knights and laughter ensued.
At the fork of the paths 1169 and 1081 the troupe stopped for a moment as Sir Christopher the Pure had to attend to bodily functions, so was the place hence hailed as “Sir Christopher’s lavatorium”.
The bends in the path proved joyous to the troupe.
After reaching Klua and partaking in consuming of nourishment the knights continued on 1256, 1080 and 1097 until the 1148 was reached, here they stopped and took a short rest before starting their assault on 1148 with a passion and gusto heretofore not seen even on the 1081.
After the end of the attack of 1148 Prince Phillip the Prosperous informed of his intent to return to his fair maiden awaiting his return to Chiang Mai, thus the troupe was now only three man strong and a successful attack on Chiang Rai was now almost impossible to envision, luckily for the reader of this drama obsessions such as common sense and judiciousness was the furthest from the minds of the trio.
After Sir Christopher the Pure and Sir Luke the Languorous had a rest on the track the trio continued for nourishments at the KFC in Chiang Kham, subsequent to this they commenced their by now death-defying ride in the darkness with both oxcarts and horse drawn carriages en masse on the trail making for a very “sporty” ride!
After a successful assailment of the gates of Chiang Rai they entered the city and took lodging in a place known as the Red Rose Inn, refreshments were ordered in and so were females with kneading abilities to try to right the knights of their various ailments.
The trio then advanced on the city center and proceeded to absorb alcohol in a fast pace thereby making the fair maidens of the city appear attractive and unperturbed by their mannerisms. Needless to relate the trio was soon intoxicated and proceeded to make utter asses of themselves, at some time during the festivities Sir Hassman the Unutterable and Sir Christopher the Notsopureanylonger decided to retire for the night, Sir Lukas the Languorous stayed on the battlements defending the honour of the Chiang Mai knights alone, when he finally retired he made a quick visit to Sir Hassman the Unutterables lodging, walking aimlessly around in the room expressing himself in a guttural voice and mumbling at length before realizing that it was not his own lodging he had entered, he then quickly withdrew.
The following day found our heroes in various states of injury; here an aching head, there another aching head, over there yet another aching head (so ok, they all had headaches, no need to go on about it). The decision was made to postpone the retreat to Chiang Mai and instead engage in a 2 hour long session of laying down motionless with a maiden attending to kneading duties, during this session Sir Christopher’s new alias was first uttered by Sir Lukas the Languorous and it was deemed a fitting alias indeed.
Subsequent to the 2 hour session the knights mounted their trusty steeds and started their journey back to civilization, Sir Christopher had an appointment with a heeler of tooth pains which could not be postponed so had his steed in a firm gallop, Sir Lukas the Languorous and Sir Hassman the Unutterable took a steady pace back on the 118 all the way back to Chiang Mai.
This is the end of the tale of the knight’s perilous journey and battles in Nan and Chiang Rai, many a tale will live in the annals of Nan.
After a conference around a round table -that not in any aspect was reminiscent of the table that King Arthur and his noble knights gathered round- the decision was made to launch a voyage to the two lands to try to rid them if the maladies they were facing, the task was charged to a core group of knights known not as “The knights of the round table” but rather as “The Cleveland steamers”.
The Cleveland steamers were comprised of the following nobles:
Prince Phillip the Prosperous, Sir Lukas the Languorous, Sir Markus with the Iron Fist, Sir Mark the Merciless, Sir Chris the Pure and Sir Hassman the Unutterable
As night fell the day before the journey was to begin, Sir Mark the Merciless sent a messenger with a communication to the effect that he was not able to leave his fiefdom of Mae Rim (as his princess was currently wearing the pants). This left the band of knights not only one man short but it also left Sir Christopher the Innocent without a charger as he was planning to borrow said brute from Sir Mark the Merciless, instead Sir Christopher had to charter a mount from a local stable, an un-nurtured animal of questionable breeding (D-Tracker).
In the morning the troupe set of on the perilous journey on the cart track known among the locals as the 118, after a brisk mornings’ trot the point where the 118 cart track intersects the cattle trail going towards Phayao was reached and the nobles swiftly turned onto the aforementioned trail.
This trail proved to be to the liking of the knights and the steeds were swiftly forced into a gallop, within not very long time at all, or in less than a lot of time -depending on the way in which time is measured by you the reader- the group was just outside the settlement of Phayao and decided to stay a short while for foraging and letting the mounts rest. The decision was made to not enter the city of Phayao as it is a wicked wicked place and it possibly is infected with leprosy.
After foraging they quickly continued towards the fabled place of Nan, the trails we followed were kept in darkness and secret by the local kings, but we had on previous trips to the region discovered them and we were therefore able to again make use of this secret knowledge and thereby gain access.
As they entered Nan, Prince Phillip the Prosperous got put under a curse and his trusty steed ran out of energy, this despite the fact that it was equipped with the largest foraging bag of them all, this made all the other knights chuckle and emit snide remarks to which Prince Phillip took great offence. “On pain of death shall no-one get knowledge of this thwarting episode of lack of energy for my steed” he announced to the collection of knights, much chuckling emanated as a result.
They stopped for nourishments and during this stop a local maiden showed great interest in Markus the Iron Fist’s stallion, under much commotion she was helped into the saddle, beaming with pride for having mounted such an impressive beast, a picture was quickly painted to make the moment last forever in the annals of Nan.
After the stop they continued through the settlement of Nan until they reached the location for their first nights stay, an inn known as Grand Mansion.
At dusk the knights left the inn and ventured out into the city of Nan. Armed with nothing but their wit, their cunning and two bottles of alcoholic content dubbed “the bottles of Chivas” they commenced their search for what or whom it may be that was responsible for the barbarism being prevalent in the region.
At first the knights stopped at a saloon known as “Rak khun” in the local language, this proved to be informative and from this place the battle plans were laid out for the imminent attack on the places of satanic worship that were the root of the evil in the land of Nan, namely Channel X and the Filth.
Before the attacks were to commence the knights imbibed alcohol to a large extent, Sir Christopher the Pure was of the notion that this had no effect on him whatsoever “This vile drink does not in any way effect my behavior, I can feel no stimulation” these were utterances that he would later regret.
As the alcoholic supply was diminished the knight’s spirits soared and triumph was certain! The plans were made concrete and means of transport to the places of satanic worship were secured in the shape of local steeds with riders, at this point Sir Markus the Iron Fist had fallen under a curse and made his intentions known to not join the party readying for battle but to rather live to fight another day, so the group lost yet another of its accomplices and left were only four of the original six knights.
As the area for the battle was reached Sir Hassman the Unutterable was sent to scout out the camp of Channel X and he returned with the message that the enemy was not in presence, the group then decided to attack the Filth with all its mighty force and leave Channel X for another day.
After the battle was won the knights stayed to enjoy the fruits of their victory (rape and pillage) and to laugh scornfully into the faces of their defeated enemies in an alcohol induced stupor.
Many a tale of adventures and amusing escapades by the knights were told to the fair maidens in an effort to amuse and entertain them, after an abundance of hours of doing so Prince Phillip the Prosperous and Sir Hassman the Unutterable decided to withdraw back to the inn to assure its defense should the enemy mount a counter attack. Sir Lukas the Languorous and Sir Christopher the Pure stayed to cover their exit, what commenced at the site of the battle after this split of forces is not known to this narrator of events.
The morning after the battle Sir Lukas the Languorous woke Sir Hassman the Unutterable querying as to the whereabouts of Sir Markus the Iron Fist, lo and behold after examination of the latter’s quarters it was found that Sir Markus the Iron Fist had indeed left the premises and started his return to Chiang Mai, now the troupe was reduced to only four knights for its upcoming attack on Chiang Rai, a perilous position to be in indeed!!
Despite its now weak manpower the troupe started the journey to Chiang Rai, at stops for nourishments and foraging Sir Christopher the Pure complained about lightheadness and infirmity caused by guzzling an in-consummate amount of alcoholic liqueur the night before, mocking remarks were made by the other knights and laughter ensued.
At the fork of the paths 1169 and 1081 the troupe stopped for a moment as Sir Christopher the Pure had to attend to bodily functions, so was the place hence hailed as “Sir Christopher’s lavatorium”.
The bends in the path proved joyous to the troupe.
After reaching Klua and partaking in consuming of nourishment the knights continued on 1256, 1080 and 1097 until the 1148 was reached, here they stopped and took a short rest before starting their assault on 1148 with a passion and gusto heretofore not seen even on the 1081.
After the end of the attack of 1148 Prince Phillip the Prosperous informed of his intent to return to his fair maiden awaiting his return to Chiang Mai, thus the troupe was now only three man strong and a successful attack on Chiang Rai was now almost impossible to envision, luckily for the reader of this drama obsessions such as common sense and judiciousness was the furthest from the minds of the trio.
After Sir Christopher the Pure and Sir Luke the Languorous had a rest on the track the trio continued for nourishments at the KFC in Chiang Kham, subsequent to this they commenced their by now death-defying ride in the darkness with both oxcarts and horse drawn carriages en masse on the trail making for a very “sporty” ride!
After a successful assailment of the gates of Chiang Rai they entered the city and took lodging in a place known as the Red Rose Inn, refreshments were ordered in and so were females with kneading abilities to try to right the knights of their various ailments.
The trio then advanced on the city center and proceeded to absorb alcohol in a fast pace thereby making the fair maidens of the city appear attractive and unperturbed by their mannerisms. Needless to relate the trio was soon intoxicated and proceeded to make utter asses of themselves, at some time during the festivities Sir Hassman the Unutterable and Sir Christopher the Notsopureanylonger decided to retire for the night, Sir Lukas the Languorous stayed on the battlements defending the honour of the Chiang Mai knights alone, when he finally retired he made a quick visit to Sir Hassman the Unutterables lodging, walking aimlessly around in the room expressing himself in a guttural voice and mumbling at length before realizing that it was not his own lodging he had entered, he then quickly withdrew.
The following day found our heroes in various states of injury; here an aching head, there another aching head, over there yet another aching head (so ok, they all had headaches, no need to go on about it). The decision was made to postpone the retreat to Chiang Mai and instead engage in a 2 hour long session of laying down motionless with a maiden attending to kneading duties, during this session Sir Christopher’s new alias was first uttered by Sir Lukas the Languorous and it was deemed a fitting alias indeed.
Subsequent to the 2 hour session the knights mounted their trusty steeds and started their journey back to civilization, Sir Christopher had an appointment with a heeler of tooth pains which could not be postponed so had his steed in a firm gallop, Sir Lukas the Languorous and Sir Hassman the Unutterable took a steady pace back on the 118 all the way back to Chiang Mai.
This is the end of the tale of the knight’s perilous journey and battles in Nan and Chiang Rai, many a tale will live in the annals of Nan.
